You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost