Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
my first day as a raccoon
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that