If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?