I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Our lord and savoury.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape