You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997