I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You Might Also Like
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?