Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please