*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.