My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me trying to “trust the process”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.