Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”