Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.