It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!