(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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I’d rather go liquor treating.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
this FaceApp is creepy af
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy