Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You Might Also Like
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
A dad and his duck
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.