Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My dress code is business-casualty.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.