I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Pee pressure > peer pressure
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?