Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My god she’s good.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”