If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”