Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords