Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.