waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Seems legit
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.