I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Confused owl: What?!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?