How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?