I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag