It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”