Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You Might Also Like
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.