My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
You Might Also Like
WHO DID THIS?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Fiction has to make sense.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
new career option?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.