When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*puts cutlery down*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”