i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”