Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I am never leaving this website
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane