Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.