There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Best spot.. 😅
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!