I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
You Might Also Like
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button