me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters