If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
oh you wanna fight?!
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*