Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
🙂🐾
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”