If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
You Might Also Like
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.