Yup.
You Might Also Like
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
this is uni
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave