Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
The Weeknd is back
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to