[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
i prefer mine room temperature.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.