8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
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When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Something Saturday.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10