‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*