Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.