women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice