Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
#dalle2
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”