If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
mom had nothing to worry about
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords