If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Good dog. ❤️
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky