I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
men, we mow at sunrise.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.