My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.