I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
listen closely
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”